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several confessions. by ~austheke:iconaustheke:



i.
I admit that sometimes I want you.

ii.
I admit that sometimes I watch you from the corner of my eye, watch you to make sure you are watching me as I smile at someone else. I laugh effortlessly, stretch, sweep back my hair, and hope that to you it looks real.

On days like this, every movement I make is calculated, designed to taunt you. On days like this I am weak, worthless, easily conquered--one touch, one glance would ruin me. And then I look at you again and want to be conquered.

iii.
I admit that you make me breathe faster. My lungs respond to your nearness with panic because to me you are a threat. You are a predator, you are dangerous, you are a reason for adrenaline. Human bodies perform better when they are afraid and I am afraid (of what you do to me) of you.

iv.
I admit that I believe we are a possibility, because you are beautiful and I am beautiful and together we would be explosive. Once I heard someone say that we should be together, and secretly my body said "yes".

v.
But I admit that my mind said "no".

vi.
I admit that I know you are wrong for me. I admit that you tear me down, you attack the cracks in the walls I have built and you destroy me with iron words. My self-esteem is a poorly made castle, and you are the invention of cannons. You are everything my fragile confidence does not need.

vii.
I admit that I am some of the things you call me. Your insults are brutal but not always wrong-sometimes you are right and I am really that (fat)(ugly)(stupid) imperfect.

viii.
I admit that it does not matter. I can be as imperfect as I want and you still cannot treat me the way you do.

ix.
I admit that want is not enough if there is no respect, and you do not respect me. The worst part is how I know that sometimes you want me too, and really that just makes it more tragic.

x.
I admit that I deserve better. You are not beautiful enough for me to overlook your cruelty and your failings. You are as broken as I am and less beautiful, because at least I am kind. You can want me forever and it will never be enough, because I am out of your reach.

I--deserve--better. And we will never be together.
©2009 ~austheke
:iconaustheke:

Author's Comments

Yeah, so this isn't really fiction. XD

Really nothing to say. Anybody sympathize?

Comments


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:iconinnocencedied2nite:
Been there.. I have to say I love this, because the progression is so real, and easy to relate to. The last sentence is a statement it takes years some times to realize. :hugggle: I hope you are okay.

--
I’m here to tell you there are angels and demons among us. Those bedtime stories you were told, the bumps in the night you heard: they're all true. Every damn movie about werewolves and vampires dueling it out…All real.
-Mimi-
Avatar by=elicoronel16
:icondemonshuriken87:
I've been there. I'm at the last point, at last, after nearly six years. Though we were, at one point, great for each other. But now, we just tear each other down. He pisses me off, I piss him off, and we snipe and growl at each other even though we know we shouldn't. It's just gotten to the point where it's not worth it anymore.

At the final stage, you can't help but wonder if it was ever worth it. I think, though, we need these things in order to show us when the truly good things come our way. :P

--
Life is all about timing
[url=[link]
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:iconaustheke:
Haha, yeah. Well, I haven't been there. We've never been anything and never will be. But sometimes it keeps me up at night. :|

-patpat-

--
Support dA's literature community! :heart:

"to communicate heartbreak in writing takes talent," she whispers, her fingers in his hair. "a good writer can make her readers cry."
:iconanime-ani:
Those moments suck like hell, but we all learn from our mistakes. Hope you feel better:]
:+fav:

--
PeanutButterBananaSamich's:D The world's favorite cookie!

--

Cookie is a little girl who wears her red locks in four pig tails, a deep emerald dress that ends at her shins, green velvet Mary Janes and did I mention she hates Cookies?(:
:iconaustheke:
I guess it's something that everyone feels in some way at some time. :shrug: But yeah, I've been thinking, and I realize that--no matter how almost perfect it would be, it would never be honest. So... well. XD

Yes, I'm fine. He's not that important to me, thankfully. :'D

--
Support dA's literature community! :heart:

"to communicate heartbreak in writing takes talent," she whispers, her fingers in his hair. "a good writer can make her readers cry."
:iconstormchylde:
This is absolutely beautiful, Aus, of COURSE. <33 I feel the same sort of progression of emotion here that I had on 'Six Reasons', with the whole Chris thing.

But you're right, even if you are imperfect (we all are) that doesn't give him the right to tear you down. You're such a strong girl. <33 You're becoming such a strong woman! -proud momma voice-

--
I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed, and that necessary.
:iconfreakartpsycho:
I can sympathize with you perfectly.
Thank you for this.

--
"I think I must have one of those faces you can't help believing."
:iconbroken-hearted-girl:
wow...that's really really good...you have no idea how much that relates to me lol but anyone who's been through heart break can relate lol
:iconanimextrordinairre:
Oh my goodness...this is so beautiful. It's like you took my feelings and somehow made them into words that fit. I love it. ♥

--
~ChocoReaperFans :heart:
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

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November 11
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